I have been thinking lately about my baby and the life he is going to have. I know that it is not going to be a rich one and it's going to be hard to give him what he wants and deserves but that's not what I have been thinking about. I'm thinking about how he is going to love me. I know that when he is little I am going to be his god and he won't want to leave my side, so I am not concerned about the love he will have for me when he is little, instead how is he going to love me when he is 16? Is he going to love me with the same amount of gusto as he did when he was 2? I look at my friends and my son's dad and I don't think that they are awful and that must be how all boys are but how were they raised? What mistakes did their parents make that turned them into such disrespecting heartless souls and how can I be different then that? I know that by being a single mom and can teach him to respect woman and not treat them like slaves so I don't have to be worried about that, but how can I get him to want to love me and hug me when he's 16? How can I get get him to not be embarrassed by me or talk badly about me behind my back? Should I let him do what he wants so that he thinks I am "cool"? NO WAY, but if he wants to do something that i don't agree with and I tell him no, he won't understand why it's not ok and he will just think I am being mean! I look at how I was as a teenager and it scares the daylights out of me! I wanted everything but to be at home with my family, I always chose my friends over my parents and I look back now and I hate it! Because of the fact that I was so distant from my family I don't even remember 2 of the 3 babyhood's of my sisters. I can barely tell which is which in their baby pics! I don't want my son to be like that but I don't know what I can do to stop that from happening. My mom raised me the best way I think a mother could, so is it the parents or the kids? How is it that my mom raised me to be independent, save money, be true to myself and so on, but yet I moved in with a guy after only knowing him for 2 weeks when I was 17 and didn't go to school, save money or even work for that matter. Now I am 19, 5 months pregnant with a little boy and I have been deserted, left to fin for myself in raising my baby, I live with my mommy and daddy, and I am now realizing my mistakes! It's sad that I am realizing now that i have screwed up in the past and that I have completely screwed up my future as far as money goes and I am expecting to bring a child into my messed up world?! that just does not seem right. My baby doesn't deserve it but he got it and the only thing that I can do is put him on the right track. I just wish there was some way to guarantee that he won't end up like me.
5 comments:
Your future is not ruined. What you make of your future is entirely up to you. You can say "oh poor me" and do nothing or you can use the example your mother set for you and take a tough situation and make it better. You have choices.
Why worry now how your child will feel about you at 16. It will only give you an upset stomach and gas, which we know you already have a problem with. Any age with "teen" in it is a difficult time for kids and parents. You take it as it comes. There is no baby in the world that is born with a guarantee tattood on their chest. You just love them and then love them so more.
OK, lecture over. From your Great Aunt instructing you to look for the good.
Aunt Sandi speaketh sooth.
Here is a gift you can give your son AND yourself: do whatever work you need to do (on your own, in therapy, whatever) and GET COMPLETELY OVER the need you have for your son to love you.
Being a parent is -- or SHOULD be -- the most selfless thing a person can ever do. You bring this boy into the world, you love and protect him, you do your best to show him how to be a responsible and compassionate person and you hope for the best. Period.
Babies aren't brought into this world in order to meet OUR needs. It's the other way 'round.
In return, the experience of parenting will change and enrich you in ways you can't begin to imagine.
So do what Aunt Sandi says and do what I say. This lecture will never be over! ;^)
aaahhhhhh you guessed. Cindy wins the prize.
Well, first off you said you were a "great aunt" and besides me and you, there's not many greats out there. OK maybe on the Thomson side, but I never count them. Second off, I can HEAR YOUR VOICE saying these words!!! And see your face!!! It's so....YOU!
BUSTED!!!
Jessica, you have the power to start a new life for you and your son. Learn from your past, but don't dwell on it! (I hope I did that bolding right!) Look to the future- your future as an adult and as a mother. Make positive changes now, and build on those positives! I wouldn't discredit continuing your education, for although an education can not guarantee financial security for you and your son, it will make that level of security a much easier possibility!
Find something that motivates you, learn all you can about it, and find a way to incorporate doing what you love into your working life.
I will tell you, as a strong female influence in the lives of my 2 sons, don't worry about hearing your son tell you that he loves you. It may sound strange, but when your son grows up and shouts out in rage how mad he is and that he doesn't like you anymore, well it's then that you know how much he does love you. (I'm not liked a lot of the time, but I know I'm always loved!) (Whoa, the more I talk, the less sense I make!) I hope you can see the feelings behind my words.
You said that you hoped there was some way you could be sure he didn't end up like you. Jess, you have your whole life in front of you. You haven't 'ENDED'! You've experienced a pretty big bump in your road, so learn from it and continue down a better path. Make a path that you hope that your son can end up like. You are in control of your own future!
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